It’s Not You, It’s Me: 5 Things You Must Do to BE “The One”

ka edong/ January 25, 2016/ Reflections/ 1 comments

We’ve heard of the discussion about “how to *find* the one”, how to find your lifetime partner.

But say you’ve searched high and low and still haven’t found him/her. You know what, here’s another way to do it. Instead of spending your time and energy searching for “the one”, how about developing yourself so that you BE “The One” for your future partner.

Imagine that you’re searching for a lifelong travel buddy. Someone you will spend the rest of your life journey with. If you want to have a good travel partner, you better be one yourself as well!

Here are five concrete actions you must do to BE “The One”.

1.) Stop Complaining

Nobody wants to be around complainers. They complain about the food, the weather, the traffic, the colleague etc. Would you want to spend your life with a spouse who keeps complaining? Neither does he/she. So stop complaining.

Two alternatives to complaining:

a.) Do something about it. You don’t like the food? Eat elsewhere. Your colleague is too noisy? Listen to music on your earphones. You don’t like the traffic? Leave earlier.

b.) Let it go. If you choose to *not* do something about it, then let it go. Focus your energy on something else. Such as being grateful…

2.) Be Grateful

Want to increase your happiness index instantly? Be Grateful! I once gave an instruction to a client who was totally consumed by recalling 15-year old events where she felt offended. I gave her this instruction: “Everyday, write down ten things to be grateful for.”

She took things literally. She wrote ten *things*, like “I’m grateful for the tap water, free ballpen at the conference, the shuttle to the mall, my bag, the internet shop.” Yes, you can be thankful for things. That’s a start.

Here are more ways to be thankful:

  • Be thankful for things
  • Be thankful for events / activities
  • Be thankful for people
  • Be thankful for self
  • Be thankful for God’s blessings

Start your gratitude journal and start writing ten items that you’re grateful for. Do it daily. And you’ll discover that you’re a happier person. And a happier person to be with.

3.) Know Thy Self

If you were to invite someone to join you for a (lifetime) journey, it would be great if that person knew who she/he was, right?

The Johari window is an awesome way to discover more about yourself.

Johari Window

Johari Window

In the Johari window, the first quadrant is what you know about yourself that other people know as well.

Some people have a very small first quadrant. A friend of mine is so self-conscious, so uptight. He’s too concerned about what other people think, so much so that he’d rather keep his thoughts and insecurities to himself. Neither is he aware of how other people perceive him. He’s too afraid to find out what other people think of him.

It’s difficult to have a relationship with him because it would be hard to know what he really is thinking or feeling.

Many of our great teachers and successful people have a wide open arena. Imagine Ninoy Aquino, Martin Luther King, Wayne Dyer, Thomas Edison, Barack Obama — their life is an open book. They seem to have nothing to hide. The wider your first quadrant is, the easier it is to have a relationship.

4.) Ask for feedback

Second Quadrant is is called the Blindspot — things that people know, but you don’t know about yourself. For example, while I’m at this cafe writing this article, a young man at the next table was talking so loud, probably three times louder than necessary for his colleague to hear him 2 feet away. It was rather distracting for other patrons who heard their conversation from 8 feet away.

It’s difficult to have a relationship with someone who has many blindspots. Want to reduce your blindspot?

Here’s how: Ask for feedback.

Here’s something you can do. Choose a person who you relate to on a regular basis. It can be your boss, your colleague, your subordinate, your mother, or your friend. It’s a set of two questions:

Question #1: “In the past week (or month), how would you rate me as a _________ from a scale of 1-10 where 10 is highest.” (fill-in as appropriate: e.g. employee, officemate, boss, your child, your friend)
After your selected person gives you their response, the next step is to ask …

Question #2: “What will it take to make it a 10 (or 11)?”

And then you receive feedback that you hadn’t know about yourself before. Yes, of course this is an opinion of another person. It’s information that you could use to develop yourself.

5.) Disclose to safe friends

The third quadrant is called the “hidden area”. This is what you know about yourself that you’d rather keep secret.

Here’s the thing: When you keep too many things secret, it can become the cause of stress in your relationships.

A client of mine confided that when she checked marriage records at NSO, it turned out that her husband has a marriage certificate with another woman. She was not the first wife. This kind of relationship was bound to fail because there was a major secret kept.

I’ve been married in the past. And I filed for an annulment. After my first marriage, the two relationships I had after that were very transparent. They knew from the very start that I had a previous marriage. Can you imagine how hellish it would have been if I kept my previous marriage from my current relationship?

I’m not telling you to spill the beans on your first date. What I recommend is to learn how to disclose your secrets to a “safe friend”. A safe friend is someone who you can entrust your secret to with the agreement that this person will keep it confidential. I do have some secrets in my life. And I’ve disclosed this to a few safe friends. It gives me a certain freedom, allows me to breathe easier and sleep more soundly at night.

Bonus! Explore your unknown

The fourth quadrant is called the Unknown, or sometimes called the Unconscious. This is what you don’t know and other people don’t know either.

For many people, there are unknown things that are affecting their lives today. We had a client who just couldn’t be satisfied with the many achievements she has made for herself. She is a highly successful executive in a multinational company. She is the breadwinner for her family, and despite that, she had an extremely strained relationship with her mother.

When we helped our client explore her situation, she discovered what was keeping her dissatisfied.

Her father passed away when she was a 12 years old. Her entire life, she was trying to get the affirmation of the people around her. Little did she know that it was the affirmation from her father that she was trying to get, the only thing that could have given her the satisfaction she sought. Through coaching, we helped her give herself the affirmation she had sought for decades. And there was healing.

If you have inexplicable extreme emotions (sadness, depression, anger, impatience, insecurity etc.), we can help you discover how to unlock it through coaching. Contact us at www.winningcoaching.net , edwin@winningcoaching.net , 0918-8002323 .

I hope this article has been useful for you. Is there something else you’d like to add to this list? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Comment below or email me at edwin@winningcoaching.net .

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